✶ scenemime's blog ✶

This bedroom has changed and evolved since I moved into it and painted it blue and pink in 2013. The room will be being stripped and redecorated this autumn and so will be cleaned out. I've always added to this room and changed it around and it wholy my space. I'm nervous about this immense change and wanted to memorialise my room. Check out the full tour on my yt!

I love this side of my room so much currently. I've added a lot of cards and art that I've acquired during university and the reading nook in the corner is where I spend most of my time when I'm in this room. On it you may be able to see some clowns! I love collecting them and to see them in detail check out my collections page on it. The centrepiece is clearly the Charlie Shiels painting. It used to live in the front room of my Mum's parent's house, and as I grew up I went from finding it creepy to adoring it. We have another one of Shiels' paintings in the house and it inspires me to have more framed art in my room after it's redecorated. The rest of the wall has some “originals” on it (as in since I got them and put them up they have never come down), and some of the oldest things on the wall include a Warner Bros. studio tour ticket from 2015, and birthday cards from my early secondary school.

The desk of my room clearly has the most stuff on it. Although it looks hectic, it is very curated (because I simply have too much stuff to not be selective). On the right side is my CD collection which is newly added. Physical media is very important to me which is why my room is full of it. The bookshelf above is so crammed and I'm excited to have more shelves to show them off properly. The left side of the desk has all my favourites. The best Doctor Who annuals I have (1982, 2007-2013); the early 2000s Dungeons and Dragons cartoon; the first of the gen 3 Frankie dolls (rip gen 1, ily). I love having many knick-knacks but am trying to get rid of unsentimental and/or unpretty decor as I want to be intentional, not necessarily minimal, about what I have.

I appreciate the great freedom I have had with this room. Perhaps when it's redone and I've ficgured out how I want it to be organised, I'll show you that!

I took a little holiday at the end of my first half term of 2nd year to go home fora while and then to Cardiff! I needed to go home for some medical things and I got to hop over to Liverpool for a birthday before spending a few days in the south of Wales. The first night I was home, I was blessed by the presence of my cat Boy. He slept on my bed as I did. I went to the ortho dontists and I have the date for when my braces are coming off!! And on Sunday the 3rd I got a train with Jono and Jess to her university gaff.

I've not been to Liverpool in my concious life so it was so lovely to experience the city with my friends, even if it was only for a few hours. We got into the 'pool at 16:30ish and headed straight to Lidl for some food shopping for Jess. Then to her beautiful flat! It felt so homely, all the decor was very her and her cool friends (one of which I went to primary school with - Lala). We went to a restaurant called Bundobust which served Indian street food. The 8 of us at my end of the table ordered the whole menu to share. It was annoying not knowing what any of the goodness was! But all was mostly lovely (some a little to spicy).

It was nice to sit across from Jasper and Conner. Jasper and I had a heated conversation about Saltburn at one point that Conner mediated very well lol. I feel greatful that most of my friends are able to travel to events like this. University semesters feel so long and these people mean so much to me. It's crazy we're becoming 20! I hope Jess had a wonderful birthday. We headed back to hers then Conner, Jono, and I got the 21:15~ train back to Manchester.

It's ironic that I'd be seeing these two in less than a week in their university city Cardiff! It was good to sort out last minute logistics on the train. So on Wednesday I hoped on the 9am train to the 'Diff. I was a sweat drenched dog by the time we got to their house, so I showered (a disaster story too long to tell here) before I got to meet the infamous Daisy! Jono and Conner live together with one other housemate, Daisy. It was so cool to meet her, she's a very needed decisive voice in their house /lh. That evening was chill, as Conner was out seeing Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. But Thurdsay was my tour of the town!

We walked all the way to the Bay where I got to see the Torchwood entrance and Ianto's shrine. As a Doctor Who fan it was very cool to be in Cardiff. Next time I gotta take a trip to Wolf Studio Wales. I love the shrine's unabashed expression of fandom. It is a wonderful and very specific time and genre capsule. We had a wonderful lunch, then got the bus in to the city centre. We bumped into about 6 of Conner and Jono's friends whilst they took my round. It was cool to see how much community there is in Cardiff. All the independent businesses were so cute! We went to a record shop, a vintage hall, and the market! Should've bought some Welsh cakes. That evening we got a classic uni take away, and watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer together

On Friday, after finishing Season 2 of Buffy the previous evening, Conner and Jono were a little busy so Conner walked me to a local cafe so I could do some work. I had an essay due the following Tuesday so had some time to lock in. After his appointment, Conner joined me and we did some work alongside each other before going to Lidl. We acquired the ingredients needed for the chilli and rice, a powerful meal before a night of clubbing. We got back, the three of us chilled out, then got on with the meal! I was definately a bit forceful in running the opperation... But I needed to be, as these silly geese had never made rice before! Daisy is equally horrofied at this. The rice was perfect might I ad. The chilli was sub par, but a good base for some drinks. I took a more successful shower, and we all got ready to head to the Alternate Music Societies main house.

It was super cool to meet Jono and Conner's AMS friends - who I had heard a lot about - as they were all as awesome as one would imagine. After pres we walked into town to Clwb Ifor Bach, which was playing post-punk. Compared to Hull, the clubbing was pretty tame, but it was nice to head "out" with people I love. Conenr took some cool pics on his camera I'd love to share at some point. We headed home about 1:30-2ish, Conner got some cheesy chips on the journey and I explained chip spice to them.

On Saturday, I was up after only 4hrs of sleep to get myself ready to go. Jono wasn't feeling great after the club's jager bombs so Conner walked my back to the station via Greggs. The Christmas baguette was so(!) good. Despite the train disaters back to Hull (it took me 7hrs from getting on my first train), I feel really fortunate to have been welcomed into my friends uni sphere. I miss all my friends dearly, so it's been great to spend time with a couple of them in their element. Maybe they'll take the dreaded trip to Hull one day.

This is my first blog post and it's to commemorate the amazing trip I had with my awesome friends. It's the third annual trip that I've been to of with this swag group and the second where we've been in a building - I definitely prefer it to camping! There was 25 of us this year in the tiny village of Slaidburn (there was probably as many buildings as us) which although the YHA was great it was a little to sleepy for us. This is of the first evening:

We got settled in and chose the rooms, which were mostly 4 beds, and I as someone who normally goes to bed at 21:30/22 I may have made a mistake as leaving the light on until 4:30 was not ideal but I'm glad people had a good time. A walk to the church occured before getting on with tea! We had Costco pizza followed by numerous baked goods made by those in the bake off. I could make a whole post on them, it was all so(!) good and so different. Had leftovers the next morning for breakfast.

The first full day we went for a hike. Those up early enough had breakfast and second breakfast (an almost full english) before leaving at 13~ and doing a 10.5km walk! Henry took many "money shots" of us all and it was nice to take our time on our first full group activity.

The were all very exhausted but Theo and Jono and Gruff made us a wonderful Curry then Logan hosted a cocktail night! My friends without benefits was superb I'm glad I didn't have any alcohol (or grog) as some had some interesting hangovers the next day. Gruff cured his by vomming after being in the boot of Dave's car... Also played the best card game ever, Mao!!!

I got up in good time as I was determined to wild swim which we did after a slow morning. I spent the trip reading The Year Of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion and it was always lovely to sit in the living room and read alongside the other readers - some smut was about - and gamers. It was very healing to be frozen by the Ribble River but the water quality was not good ;_;

The weather was finally lovely and so wild swimming wasn't too bad. There was a big dead tree that was climbed and used to get Sam on top of Gruff on top of Max. We wrapped up and got back for showers and pasta. Both the veggie bolognese and pesto was to die for. Connie had made us a pub quiz which was really fun and wide enough that I think most people were happy! (apart from the special rounds which were very divisive lol) Needing to be out by 10 the next day didn't mean an earlier night and I'm glad for it. The trip went by quickly but it was wonderful. I'm looking forward to next year!

As I am writing I'm a lot of VERY big emotions (thanks neurodivergence). And I'm simultaneously trying to accept my nausea-inducing anxiety and recognise that I am not my emotion, I do not have to act on it, and that it doesn't define me. Even though it feels so huge and that I will always have this reaction I both know that (a) it will pass, and (b) that even if I continue to have completely disproportionate reactions to my friends' text messages, that doesn't mean I am broken. Y'all,, I really do not like that I have a FP, but I have to learn to deal with it.

My emotional regulation abilities have taken a nose dive over the last couple of month and I go between thinking my friends loathe me and so isolating myself from them, to being obsessed with them and finding no other fulfillment than feeling in community with them. Just a note that I do have a therapist that I talk with this through. I am so aware of the irrationality of these feelings but it's hard to exist knowing that how I think and feel is not aligned with what is actually happening. I'm currently trying to see if approaching that irrationality with acceptance could help? I want part of me to be distant whilst part of me leans in. It'll take a lot to get that balance but hopefully with this year of academics ending I'll have the space to see and accept things. Excited to see my friends tho. I feel most grounded when I can exist in reality with them rather than just thinking about them.

After another 4hr fanfiction reading session in the wee hours of last night I gotta go cold turkey on fanfiction again. It's really sad cause ffics bring a lot of joy to me, and I think they're a very integral part of fandom (and the history of it all! So cool to me, especially as a Trekkie), but I can't seem to stop myself. It's never just one chapter. My solution has been to try writing ffic whenever I get the urge to read one, it's kinda working. I've never done creative writing before but it's cool to be contributing to fandom in this way. When it comes to reading, I have to quit. I had a similar problem 4/5yrs ago and the only way I stopped was STOPPING, not weaning myself off it or developing self control.

One day I will be disciplined. I will be able to exist in moderation. But I think until I can develop that skill with parts of my life that aren't as harmful as ffics can be - when it's bad ffics ruin my sleep schedule, bring up past relationships, and I experience more sexual intrusive thoughts (this one it the worst) - then I need to let them go... I'll keep my ao3 account and bookmarks waiting for my return.

In short yes. Don't worry, I have most previous itterations of my site code saved but looking as the most page that isn't this new mobile friendly version, gave me second thoughts. The aesthetic change is quite drastic (I feel like every new version I make the site becomes more minimal) which is making me a little sad, but I don't know if that's the cause of my caution.

I think as I make new versions of the site it feels like I' getting further away from my original vision of what I wanted in an indie website? I do want to make sure my site is accessible and friendly to screens of different sizes but I need to remember that my site is for me. It should look and feel how I want it to, and maybe just because a plaid looks nicer as a repeating pattern, it doesn't mean it has to be my background.

I think I have a desire to be creative that I have often ignored, downplayed, or something that I should get over because "I'll never be good enough" in the respective creative endeavour I want to persue. The creative things I've tried in life include: drawing, writing (fanfiction), knitting, making things out of clay, sewing, kandi making etc. I used to draw all the time, and was it bad? Of course! I was 12, another friend had a clear skill for art and being a young teen the only skill one has is comparison. I find creating habits very hard and so have never devoted myself to a craft in a way I think a "creative" should.

I also have a HUGE idea that I'm cannot create anything original. Yes, nothing and no one is wholy original but, my D&D campaign are a RIP OFF of the things I love. I mean,, I have to tell my players not to engage in certain media as not to give stuff away- and with D&D it's not intentional! I just absorb, forget (kinda), and regurgitate. I have no idea how I would make something on my own, like I would never think to make a au or crossover (just watched Sketches of Shay's MLP x D&D crossover which was so cool), I'm just blank. I love art on Tumblr, but and there is a want to make too, to draw and share and MAKE, but there is a blank between seeing something that I love and feeling inspired and that becoming actualised into an idea.

Idk how to "solve" this, maybe just making more or accepting that maybe I'm not a maker? Maybe consuming and loving can be enough.