✶ Diary Entries ✶

"I did not kiss SL but that which was not my body—my spirit—did. Did he feel it? Did my kissing help continue to make our love? Would my kissing make the love that would make him stay?" p49 of White Girls. My goodness this passage. I am loving this book by Hilton Als. His writing on queerness and friendship and the overlap of the two with his fellow Black male lovers/friends is really hitting me right now. I feel my spirit kissing those I love. [At this point I should add, I will not be as specific as I'd like because I know my friends have access to this site and also should get better at stfu... the rest will be for my therapist] I know it cannot be felt. My fantasies about those that are close to me and the love felt for them is never taken. I so easily convince myself that it is, that those kisses are received and that they could be returned, that our friendships could be more like a twinship. It does not help. My analysis into why that particular person replied to my message in that particular way in a group chat does not help our friendship. We can never stay. However much I wish for them to stay and be close. It is an unsad truth that our spirits only exist around one another for a finite amount of time. But maybe, for a while, I can kiss them, and they can stay.

This summer job (at a an english language school / holiday for non UK kids) is horrific. It is eating up all day of everyday as I cannot relax. I cannot stray too far from campus on my days off, not that I have the energy to, as I MAY be needed. My manager needs me to do something, I have to cover a shift, or one of the kids needs something and no one else is available. Even when I have free time, like now, I'm WAITING for the Whatsapp notification sound. I'm waiting to find out that I should've been doing something, or that we need to scramble to prep for the evening or the following days. I find it really draining.

I have never been a napper, but as I can't get my 9.5hrs (sleep is fitful andyway) I'm napping everyday in the space between one task and the next. On the first day my manager changed my job role so now I'm doing twice the work. I really need to see if my pay can increase because of it... 2 out of 6 weeks is done. I can make it. I just hope I can have more time to code, and read, and do dissertation prep in the mean time.

As I am writing I'm a lot of VERY big emotions (thanks neurodivergence). And I'm simultaneously trying to accept my nausea-inducing anxiety and recognise that I am not my emotion, I do not have to act on it, and that it doesn't define me. Even though it feels so huge and that I will always have this reaction I both know that (a) it will pass, and (b) that even if I continue to have completely disproportionate reactions to my friends' text messages, that doesn't mean I am broken. Y'all,, I really do not like that I have a FP, but I have to learn to deal with it.

My emotional regulation abilities have taken a nose dive over the last couple of month and I go between thinking my friends loathe me and so isolating myself from them, to being obsessed with them and finding no other fulfillment than feeling in community with them. Just a note that I do have a therapist that I talk with this through. I am so aware of the irrationality of these feelings but it's hard to exist knowing that how I think and feel is not aligned with what is actually happening. I'm currently trying to see if approaching that irrationality with acceptance could help? I want part of me to be distant whilst part of me leans in. It'll take a lot to get that balance but hopefully with this year of academics ending I'll have the space to see and accept things. Excited to see my friends tho. I feel most grounded when I can exist in reality with them rather than just thinking about them.

After another 4hr fanfiction reading session in the wee hours of last night I gotta go cold turkey on fanfiction again. It's really sad cause ffics bring a lot of joy to me, and I think they're a very integral part of fandom (and the history of it all! So cool to me, especially as a Trekkie), but I can't seem to stop myself. It's never just one chapter. My solution has been to try writing ffic whenever I get the urge to read one, it's kinda working. I've never done creative writing before but it's cool to be contributing to fandom in this way. When it comes to reading, I have to quit. I had a similar problem 4/5yrs ago and the only way I stopped was STOPPING, not weaning myself off it or developing self control.

One day I will be disciplined. I will be able to exist in moderation. But I think until I can develop that skill with parts of my life that aren't as harmful as ffics can be - when it's bad ffics ruin my sleep schedule, bring up past relationships, and I experience more sexual intrusive thoughts (this one it the worst) - then I need to let them go... I'll keep my ao3 account and bookmarks waiting for my return.

In short yes. Don't worry, I have most previous itterations of my site code saved but looking as the most page that isn't this new mobile friendly version, gave me second thoughts. The aesthetic change is quite drastic (I feel like every new version I make the site becomes more minimal) which is making me a little sad, but I don't know if that's the cause of my caution.

I think as I make new versions of the site it feels like I' getting further away from my original vision of what I wanted in an indie website? I do want to make sure my site is accessible and friendly to screens of different sizes but I need to remember that my site is for me. It should look and feel how I want it to, and maybe just because a plaid looks nicer as a repeating pattern, it doesn't mean it has to be my background.

I think I have a desire to be creative that I have often ignored, downplayed, or something that I should get over because "I'll never be good enough" in the respective creative endeavour I want to persue. The creative things I've tried in life include: drawing, writing (fanfiction), knitting, making things out of clay, sewing, kandi making etc. I used to draw all the time, and was it bad? Of course! I was 12, another friend had a clear skill for art and being a young teen the only skill one has is comparison. I find creating habits very hard and so have never devoted myself to a craft in a way I think a "creative" should.

I also have a HUGE idea that I'm cannot create anything original. Yes, nothing and no one is wholy original but, my D&D campaign are a RIP OFF of the things I love. I mean,, I have to tell my players not to engage in certain media as not to give stuff away- and with D&D it's not intentional! I just absorb, forget (kinda), and regurgitate. I have no idea how I would make something on my own, like I would never think to make a au or crossover (just watched Sketches of Shay's MLP x D&D crossover which was so cool), I'm just blank. I love art on Tumblr, but and there is a want to make too, to draw and share and MAKE, but there is a blank between seeing something that I love and feeling inspired and that becoming actualised into an idea.

Idk how to "solve" this, maybe just making more or accepting that maybe I'm not a maker? Maybe consuming and loving can be enough.